Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Birds and the Bees...and the Lizards

Normalcy isn't a word that can be used around my house.  With all the animals that I have it's just part of the bargain.  But I have to admit, I like it that way.  

I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes and listening to The Splendid Table on NPR when Jeremy burst through the back door and assaulted me with this question, "Hey do you wanna come outside and see two lizards doin it on our fence?"  Well, Splendid Table is one of my very favorite NPR shows and I hardly ever miss it, but who could resist that offer?

We ran outside with Ellie and the camera because a) it's never too early to teach you kids how animals like to "wrestle" sometimes, just like Mommy and Daddy and b) taking pictures of things when they're vulnerable is a really fun thing to do.  I thought for sure they would have parted ways and be long gone by the time we got outside, but no, there they were.  Locked in a post-coital embrace and wishing they had two tiny cigarettes.  They must have been really spent because they didn't even try to move when we got close to them.  

After catching both of them we let Ellie hold  them.  Had we not, I'm afraid she would have taken flight from the exertion of flapping her arms in excitement.*  Holding them came about in stages.  First we had to put them on her shirt and she wore them like a medal of honor with her chest puffed out and a crafty smile on her face.  But, unfortunately that dirty, dirty man lizard kept trying to jump off and run away.  I heard the female call after him with : But I thought you said you loved me!  Well, I wasn't about to have any of that nonsense.  So I caught his lying ass and made the two of them have a face to face.  Because it's also never too early to teach you daughter about accountability.

I forced him to look at her and that's when it hit the fan.  Apparently during the height of their passion, Elmyra (that's what the female's name was) had called out the name of that gecko from the Geico commercials.  I must admit that although that gecko drives a fancy little sports car AND probably saves alot of money on his car insurance, that is NEVER an appropriate thing to do.  Elmyra apologized with such sincerity that I felt myself tearing up with her as she wrung her tiny hands in grief.  I dried her little eyes with the hem of my dress as she explained that it was just a huge misunderstanding.  You see, Filmer (the boy lizard) looked to her so much like that gecko that she had just made an honest, but tragic mistake.  This new information seemed to appeal to Filmer's vanity and before we could catch either one of them they had leapt off of Ellie and ran away to elope.  

We were able to get one last glimpse of them before they vanished over the fence to catch a dragonfly headed for Vegas.  Filmer was still drunk off of his own vanity and as he arrogantly  extended his neck he shouted to Elmyra:  I bet that gecko doesn't have one of these!  And then he puffed out his neck sack, (which is probably a better description for it than the scientific term) and bobbed his head up and down with a very cocky swagger.  Elmyra, seeing that bulging, red thing for the first time nearly fell off the fence.  "No, I don't think he does, " She swooned, and then they were off. 

It was about this time that I pulled my head out of my ass and returned to the kitchen because that whole time, I had left a pan of ground beef cooking on the stove.  I'd say all in all, it was a pretty good Sunday.

*I am aware that the  flapping of arms is a sign of Autism, but I don't think we have reason for concern.  When I expressed my concern about the growing number of Autistic children in America to my friend Amanda, she assured me that we didn't have anything to worry about.  In her words she said, "Oh don't worry, it usually only happens when two really really smart people have babies."  Ummmmmm, thanks, I guess.

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