Wednesday, October 1, 2008

On Pregnancy and How it makes Me Crazy

Dear Dudes Who Read This Blog,
I'm sorry that I had to get pregnant and ruin whatever humorous quasi sexual posts you may or may not have been looking forward to.  But wait!  All hope is not lost; stick around because in the second trimester I REALLY get weird.  You may have to suffer with me through these next several weeks as I bemoan my hormones and recount all the painful ways a baby can interfere with ones digestive system (that subject can be a personal favorite) and I may or may not tread into the waters of my previous labor experience.  It will all depend on the amount of sleep I've been able to snag the night before.

Sincerely craving sorbet,

NOW, on to today's post.  For whatever reason during the end of my last pregnancy Jeremy seemed to think that I was funnier than the love child of Jack Black and  Will Ferrell.  I think it may have had something to do with how many octaves lower my voice registered and when I would laugh he would crack up saying I sounded like Gus the fat little mouse from Disney's Cinderella.  So because there was no getting my svelte figure back in the midst of that, I obliged and became the funny chubby kid for a few months.  When all vanity is lost, one must laugh at ones self, and that's what we did.  I became the entertainer always poking fun at my situation.  

Some of my most memorable experiences include:
The Magic Eight Fetus:  This game requires at least two players (one of these should be pregnant, preferably in the last trimester) the non pregnant player(s) ask the pregnant player questions about their lives, future, love interests, etc and the pregnant player will then vigorously (but not  vigorously enough to induce labor) shake their Magic Eight Fetus (stomach) all around and divine the answer from the position on the fetus's body parts.  These answers will be something to the effect of: To be certain or Check back later, or my personal favorite, You will surely catch scabies.  If the other party(ies) object to that answer, dismiss their objections with a blase wave of your chubby fingers saying that,  "The Magic Eight Fetus has spoken, Now BEGONE."

Another very exciting game to play (and Jeremy's personal favorite) is Pregnant Hard Rock Air Guitar:  This game involves the very pregnant player reenacting some classic rock songs in her best Gene Simmons face complete with nasty tongue and Kiss boots.  A black cape earns her extra points.  It is particularly essential to become the character and the pregnant woman should do her best to make her unborn fetus proud with her unmatched prowess at some killer air guitar moves.

This next move is not recommended for the faint of stomach.  It is called Attempt to Out Eat Your Partner:  In this game the pregnant woman and her partner should declare how many pieces of pizza each will eat and then the pregnant woman will attempt to eat more than her partner thereby displaying her intestinal fortitude and proclaiming herself Queen of the Piggies.  But should her partner dare call her a piggie, the pig- I mean Pregnant Lady has every right to sit on her partner until he begs for mercy.

There are limitless opportunities to keep ones self entertained while waiting for the baby to come and as the months go by I will share more of them with you.  I shall leave you with my three favorite songs from my last pregnancy, please enjoy.

If you have ever seen The Silence of the Lambs, you will probably get this next video.
WARNING: This song contains some serious potty words including the dreaded "F-Bomb" so if you are my Mother, one of her friends, or a member of my church or extended family, I suggest you do not listen to it.  But if you chose not to heed my warning, don't say I caused you to sin you dirty little sinner.

This song displays one of my favorite Paul Mccartney traits and that is his ability to make one song feel like several songs in the way that he changes the music. *Sigh*


Anonymous said...

Please move to California -- just for this pregnancy. I had so much fun talking to you on the phone today! I would love to be closer to you so I can watch your belly grow (and your booty too) and see you at your absolute funniest!

Keep the tales coming!

Oh, and great call on the songs! Let's trade mixes soon.

Lauren Robinson said...

"Put the lotion in the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaasket"... love that song!

Ed W said...

My wife craved seafood during her first pregnancy. I took her to an all-you-can-eat seafood dinner where she ate plate after plate of shrimp. It was embarrassing. She easily downed twice as much food as I did.