Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Where Have I Been?

Weeeeeeeel, let's just say that The Dilettante has re-entered the dominion of dilettantery.  Yes, I realize I just invented a new word.  That's part of what being a dilettante is all about.  Stirring the pot, shaking things up, changing the American vernacular, people.  Actually, none of those things has to do with being a dilettante, they just come as a sidebar to my amazingly glamorous, rock star life.

And would you like to know what this amazingly glamorous rock star has been up to lately?  All right, all right.  I got a job.  Now I cannot go into the details of what this job is because I am contractually obligated  by a BLOOD OATH and sworn to secrecy in front of a flock of geese on the White House lawn.  No, not THE white house, but it was a house and it was white.  I can say that it involves espionage, and craigslist.  Both of which can be VERY dangerous.

What?  You find it hard to believe that a pregnant woman such as myself would involve herself in dangerous situations and put her unborn child at risk?  Well, let me just tell you, this baby LOVES a thrill.  Why, I think I'm growing a mini 007 and as I type this I can faintly hear the sound of ricocheting gunshots bouncing off my womb as a tiny martini is being shaken and not stirred.

Truthfully though, Dear Readers, I am working as a nanny and I've just been TIRED!  Here is an idea of my amazingly glamorous rock star life right now:

Wake up, heave growing self out of bed and try not to land on dog that insists on sleeping right below bed.
Toddle down the stairs and sip tea and have toast while bemoaning the fact that it is still dark out
Shower and try not to fall back asleep
Lotion my entire body while trying not to look at the weird veins that map my body when I'm pregnant, do this while praying that stretch marks once again remain far from my stomach  
Get dressed in whatever makes me look the least like Tweedle-Dee
Wake up Elsbeth, dress her, feed her, brush her teeth all while carrying on a conversation with this very chatty two year old
Walk the dogs, yell at Jack, kennel them
Drive to work
All day play with three children and try to remain patient and engaging.
Come home, eat
Clean up dishes
Bathe the kid, read her a book (currently it's The Wizard of Oz or the Biz 'A Bop as she calls it), and put her to bed.
Carry on a brief adult conversation with my Husband while consuming fiber to offset all the iron I have to take.  * I TOLD you it was glamorous.
Fall into bed, hopefully remembering to take my contacts out.
NEXT DAY: START OVER

Dear Readers, I honestly do not know how working Mothers do it.  Where is the time for laundry, grocery shopping, hair appointments, doctor appointments?  

So that's it in a nutshell.  You'll be lucky to hear from me in the coming weeks, but please wish me sanity.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What Dreams May Come...and the Weirdness Continues

Several of my friends are also pregnant right now, a couple of them with their first children.  Being pregnant for the first time is scary, who am I kidding, being pregnant is scary no matter what number child you're on.  Although I have a feeling it gets easier the more you do it.  Kind of like that awkward, uncomfortable, first time you had sex and then were plagued with fears for your mortal, sinful, soul as a result,  Don't tell me that I'm alone on that one!

Pregnancy comes with it's share of really weird dreams much like those experienced before a wedding.  Except instead of a plastic wedding ring, you receive a plastic baby in the delivery room or a standard poodle holding a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs while crying MAMA!  One of my pregnant friends Amanda recently shared such a dream she had with me.    I'll give you some background info before reposting her email.  She had been experiencing some really painful cramp like feelings all day which we agreed were probably the ligaments in her uterus stretching.  It can feel like someone is stabbing you the first time you're pregnant.  That night she had the strange dream.  Another thing that may be helpful in understanding this dream is knowing that I have a red hot passion for notebooks and journals of various designs and sizes.  

When Amanda and I used to work at The Fort Golf Course together and I was stuck in the snack bar while she was off schmoozing golfers on the beer cart, I would occupy myself by writing stories on the computer that doubled as our cash register.  In order to print these stories out, they came out on ticker tape like a receipt as that was all the printing capacity the machine had.  Amanda really liked my stories and printed them out and I believe she still has copies of them, which is just one of the million reasons why I love her.  

Here is her email of the dream:


Okay, basically since I had all those cramps and stuff, I was scared that something was wrong with the baby. So, I kept dreaming that I was waking up and finding blood all in the bed. Then, I had a dream that you wanted me to go with you to get your 1st ultrasound done. You were pissed because your jeans were tight around your waist. Anyway, we went and they told you that you were having a boy. I was freaking out because you weren't even supposed to know yet since it was so early. I was all, "How do you know and I don't know yet?" So, you took the little machine and put it on my belly. Well, when we looked inside, my baby was standing up and was all skeletal and had all its guts and organs hanging out and was trying to pull them back inside its body. You were all, "Look, it is pulling a vagina...it's a girl!" The next thing I know we were back at your house and you were crying. I couldn't figure it out because I thought you wanted a boy, but you were sad because you couldn't find the perfect journal to write things in and had to use the kind of paper tape on supermarket machines.

And so basically, Dear readers the weirdness of the second trimesters has begun, and not just for me.