Friday, June 5, 2009

If It Isn't One Thing It's Another

The first time I was pregnant I consumed almost as much pregnancy reading material as I did Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I said ALMOST. I read everything from What To Expect When You're Expecting, to The Girlfriends Guide To Pregnancy, and Jenny Mcarthy's books on babies and being pregnant. Because if I am am anything, it's lazy and I believe I acquired my voracious reading habit as a child to have a studious looking excuse to lay my ass on the couch all day while everyone else was engaging in physical activity. Perhaps that's how I got the endearing nickname "Baby manatee" from my father.

There I would sit all sweaty and reminiscent of Jabba the Hut, devouring not only my doughnuts but every last juicy morsel of gestational wisdom that was out there. I thought I was well prepared. Stretch marks, I could handle them. (Although, miraculously I never got any...I credit my oily, Italian skin) Irrational mood swings, hey I wasn't going to be the one suffering the brunt of those. Saggy boobs, nothing a few bucks and a good doctor couldn't fix. Even hemorrhoids I was prepared for. And the first time around it all went rather smoothly. Sure there were a few bumps in the road. Mainly the fact that I was nearly torn in half and then sewn back together by Jack the ripper, but that was all behind me after a few weeks and I was good as new.

So the second time around I felt well versed enough not to have to rehash all the old books. Plus, there just isn't time to lounge around drinking icing and thumbing through books while watching court TV when there is a two year old hell bent on destroying every breakable thing within a two mile radius. Eye complications aside, my pregnancy and labor were easy, mainly complaint free. When I hear women saying that they only pushed for about an hour I nearly faint. An HOUR! That sounds like an eternity because, quite frankly, once these gams were in the air and after a couple pushes, POP goes the cork and the babies were out. And therein, I've recently discovered, lies the problem.

Apparently, in order to birth large children with such speed and force one is left with a birth canal reminiscent of the Lincoln Tunnel. No big deal for now, right? Because they say us women, we're like rubber bands, stretchy and stuff. Well, that's what I thought until I discovered one day that I was oddly giving birth to a second baby that had somehow gone unnoticed for the past nine months and now determined to meet the world. And then after some contortionist moves that would have gotten me hired at Cirque Du Soliel and a hand mirror I learned that it was not, in fact another baby but rather MY WOMB! And here for your viewing pleasure just because it needs resurrecting I shall insert the DUN DUN DUN!

NONE OF THE BOOKS MENTIONED THIS PART! Well after spending several hours googling my new found malady I was relieved to find that it was only my BLADDER trying to break free from the 'Ol pelvic corral. Apparently I share this affliction with the female geriatric crowd. That and my crazy eye. After many frantic calls to my doctor and one hasty visit I was told that this is fairly common and everything should return to it's place within a few months. And the male doctor added with such finesse that if I dropped thirty pounds it might help too. That from a guy whose stomach hung so far over his belt I bet he hasn't seen his penis since the Nixon administration. Thanks Dr. Chubs, but that just wasn't good enough.

Last night I spent some time searching for alternative treatments for my new little "issue". After a few pages I came upon a holistic medicine site with some women discussing their experiences with this in a forum. At the bottom of the forum was a questionnaire from a homeopathic Doctor. I would like to share it with you because I have NEVER in my life seen anything like it. Let's have a little fun, shall we?
* I've decided to answer some of my favorites for your enjoyment*

You have provided a good summary of all your complaints, but need a few more clarifications in order to suggest a remedy.

You need a deep acting (constitutional) remedy which takes into consideration all your mental as well as physical symptoms. You might have to take this remedy for a couple of months before you see its effect.

Here is a questionnaire.Please try to answer as many questions as you can. Skip those which you have already answered.

Try to answer as many questions as possible. Some may be irrelevant to you. Just skip those.

1. What is the main reason you need treatment?

2. Describe your complaints giving the following details:

Complaint 1 :
A. Location (Part of body affected)
B. Sensation (Type of Pain)
C. Time (When does it happen, Variations during the day/night)
D. What makes you feel better or worse.
Pretending to be
someone else, preferrably Shannyn Sossamon.

E. Accompanying complaints.

Complaint 2 :
A. Location (Part of body affected)
B. Sensation (Type of Pain)
C. Time (When does it happen, Variations during the day/night)
D. What makes you feel better or worse.
E. Accompanying complaints.

3. Past Illness history?

4. Ailments in the family? (BP, Diabetes, TB, Cancer etc )

5. What medication are you taking currently (or taken in the past)?

6. What foods do you crave? List from the strongest craving to the weakest.

7. What foods do you have an aversion to?

8. What foods aggravate you? (including allergies)

I don't know, but sometimes the way the broccoli
looks at me, I get so mad, I just want to punch it right
in the stalk.

9. Level of thirst? Normal water intake during a day?

10. Digestive functions (Appetite, bowel , acidity, bloating , gases etc.)

11. Energy level throughout the day? Rate it from 1-10 (10 being excellent).
Is this before or after the meth binge?

12. Perspiration: How much do you perspire? Where? Smell/ stain of the sweat? Are the stains easily washable?
Lately, my eyeballs have been perspiring. Some may call it crying, but I know the truth. It smells like lost innocence and cheap wine. The stains may come off of my face but they will forever remain on my heart.

13. How is your sleep? What position do you prefer to sleep in? Is there any position you cannot sleep in? Do you walk/talk/grind your teeth when you are asleep?

14. Describe your dreams in detail? Do you had any recurring dreams or images/ pictures/ themes?

15. Gynecological History

a. Describe your menses (periods): Pain or associated complaints during menses? Colour / amount / odour ? Clots? Stains easily washable?
I bleed skittles, the colors of the rainbow. There's nothing a little bleach and elbow grease can't get out.

b. Leucorrhoea? When? Stains ? Of what colour ? Easily washable?

16. Obstetric History:
pregnancies / abortions / deliveries ( normal/ caesarian/ forceps) etc . Any complaints during pregnancy?

17. Which season do you like the most? Why? Do you need fan ? How much covering do you take? Woolen clothes? What temp of water do you prefer for taking bath?
I prefer summer for it's heady green smell and bounty of outdoor festivities. I DO need fan. I take much covering only when threatened by immenent danger such as tornado, hurricane, or attack by insurgents.

18. Is there anything else in the environment you are sensitive to? ( car sickness etc…)
People with poor taste in accessories and fake beggars.

19. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Describe in detail.
This one time, at band camp...

20. What part of your life do you have the most difficulty coping with? Why is that?
The fact that no one has realized that I should be famous. VERY famous. For what, I don't yet know.

21. What was your childhood like? Describe your parents and your relationship with them. Describe your relationship with your siblings and other extended family members. Did anything in your childhood have a profound effect on you? Describe your school and college life.
OY, we better not go there.

23. What is your occupation? What differentiates you from the other people in your place of employment? What difficulties do you have at work?

24. What is your self-confidence level ?

25. What fears do you have? Do you have any phobias?
I fear mistaking super glue for eyedrops and ruining
my one GOOD eye.

26. What parts of yourself or your life would you change if it were at all possible?
You can't change perfection. :P

27. What do you do to relax? what are your hobbies?
Well, what I USED to do and what I do now differ
greatly, but I enjoy some nice wine and coma
inducing "romance". Does eating count as a hobby?

28. Describe all other aspects of your nature in detail.
There are not enough hours in the day.

I mean seriously, how LONG do we have? I could have gone into an in depth psychoanalysis on just about every aspect of my being that would take far more time than any Doctor has or wants to give but would that really fix my problem? I know I've become disillusioned by the mainstream medical community and it's lack of compassion and propensity to treat symptoms instead of solve problems, but COME ON. There has to be some middle ground. Maybe I'm wrong, because I do harbor the feeling that as humans every aspect of our being is tied to the other and you cannot separate the physical from the spiritual and emotional, etc. But for now, could I just get some duct tape and gorilla glue?


Lauren said...


Great, I hope the gym doesn't mind buying me a new monitor- I just shot coffee ALL over mine.

Amanda said...

Okay, so I meant to ask you the other day on the phone if this has happened to you, and (SHOCK) I forgot! But, since you openly blogged about your issue, I'll post about mine. There are times (numerous times) when I pee and the only way I know that I am peeing is because I can hear it in the toilet. I CANNOT FEEL IT! Has that happened to you?