Monday, June 29, 2009

Past Perfect

I just finished watching a couple hours worth of video from when Elsbeth was a baby and in doing so I felt the sharp pangs of an unidentifiable emotion. That was a bittersweet time for me because in one sense everything was so easy; I was living at my parents house in my old bedroom and had no domestic responsibilities except caring for Ellie and working out. But on the other hand it was a difficult time for me. My Husband was halfway around the world in a war zone, communication with him was limited, and I was living in a sort of limbo between the reality I was experiencing and the reality that awaited me at my home in Mississippi.

It was only two years ago, but in that time so much has changed. Not only with us but with the course of the world itself. The wave of excess Americans had been living had crested and we all seemed unaware of what was about to happen next. In all of the videos there is the presence of my Father's voice because at the time he wasn't working; he liked to say he was retired. We were constant companions and content to be so. A far cry from the relationship we shared in my teenage years. Now his Denali has been traded in for a Kia and he leaves for work every morning, albeit still whistling most of the time.

Since then so much has changed in me; in our lives. My husband returned safely and we resumed our lives picking up where we left off as if the hiccup of deployment had never happened. But you can't go to war and not be changed. Sometimes we talk about the things that affected him: sending boys off to fight knowing that some would never return. What a bomb sounds like exploding in the dessert. These are things I'll never know.

We moved from a house that like so many others we were unable to sell due to it's loss in value. We found a new home in the capitol and had another baby. How easy it is to sum up the course of some years in a few words when the truth and the reality are written in the lines on our faces and the miles on our souls. It's not a bad thing. It's just a thing. And it happens to us all. I struggle to grasp the depth of this experience that seems to be speeding past me.

Now, once again, I am losing my Husband although it's not a war that separates us, but a goal. To finish two more years of school. I vow not to be a detriment or a hindrance and so I think that the best course for us is once again for me to find myself with my children at my parents. Not for the entire time, but for extended periods of time. As I struggle to put a name to what I feel about the past; I chart a course for the future. It is a future of uncertainty in uncertain times but as it always has, my faith will carry me through and I will draw upon the strength of my family.


Mom Cooper said...

Jill, I'm sure this was not an easy decision and one you have no doubt prayed long and hard about so I will just wish you and your family God's blessing and the strength to help you during this transition.


P.S. You and the girls are welcome to come visit us in AZ anytime! If you do I'll see to it that Amanda and Olivia come over.

Lauren said...

Please let me know if Elsbeth needs a fun "Mommy needs a bitty break and Ellie wants to go to the park" type of day some weekend before you go. I'm pretty awesome at swing-pushing; it was my college minor actually. Or even another date night- any night. Please just let me know.

Amanda said...

I can't believe I am going to say this, but I wish I lived in Indiana again. How fun for us to drop our babies off at the nursery and work out at the Health Plex together?! Or, God forbid, we could take a "run" with the babies in their strollers on the trail behind your parents' house. And, your dad could make that delicious salad....

I wish you the best of luck in Indiana. I know your family there will be so glad to se you all.

And, please know, our doors are always open to you, Ellie, and Ari. (Sorry Jeremy...)

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today (linked from some bicycle blog I think) and I'm glad I did.

My husband went to graduate school from 2006-2008 and it was really hard. He was working full time too. Still, probably much less hard than residency. Time will go fast though!! Good luck!